What NOT to get your wife for Christmas

Here are the top ten things to NOT get your wife for Christmas:

1. Appliances. Really this doesn't need to be said but I know some of you will be tempted to get her a new vacuum, iron, broom or toaster. Just go ahead, get it and give it to her NOW before Christmas...If she needs it, get it, and give it to her....like groceries and gas....It's just a really bad idea to wrap a washer and dryer set. Even if she says she wants a new dishwasher for Christmas, I would still be very careful doing this for a gift. If you decide to buy an appliance for Christmas, at least wear a wifebeater tee shirt and bass pro hat to the store to show everyone there how lame you are.

2. Bathroom scales. If I need to explain this, you don't deserve to have a wife.

3. Exercise equipment. See explanation on #2.

4. Nothing. I know many husbands who do this one. What's wrong with you? Even if you are poor and have no money, you can still get her something....get a 2nd or 3rd job to get her something. Gifts are a basic way of showing your wife love and value. Make her something if you have nothing. Do the handmade gift certificate thing from my previous post.

5. A cheesy present that means nothing. Buying your wife a fruit basket or shampoo basket is almost as bad as not getting her anything at all...in some cases probably worse. If you totally lack imagination, ask her what she wants. You can even hire someone to buy presents for her. Just don't be a bonehead and buy the first thing that you see in Walmart.

6. Buying her something that you want. I know someone (true story) that got his wife a chainsaw. When she opened it, he said, " Oh, you don't like that! I guess I'll have to use it." There is a special place in hell for the husband who does this.

7. A card with gift cards in it. Lame!

8. The wrong sized clothes. Don't get your wife size 6 jeans when she is a size 12. Bad husband! If you can't get the sizes right just don't do clothes at all. If you do that, I hope you get a vasectomy for Christmas so you won't have offspring to spread your lame DNA.

9. Divorce. Yes I have heard of this happening and I think it is cruel and psychopathic to do it. If you are going to end the marriage, don't ruin Christmases for her for the rest of her life by doing this. Get it over with at least a month before or after Christmas. At least then she can buy her own Christmas present.

10. Lawn equipment, dental work, lapband surgery, glasses, or a wig. See explanation for #1 and #2.

Women, what is the worst present you ever got for Christmas?