Loving Those Who are Hurting

Sometimes when we are hurting and it feels as though the world is crushing us, it is hard to tell people what we need or want from them. I have been through some rough patches over the past fifteen years and here are some things that have helped me weather the storm. Some people have been great and I am listing what they did because it helped so much. Others, on the other hand have responded insensitively (at best) and down right mean (at worst). I wrote this list in first person, remembering what helped me heal.

So here is my list of the top ten list of things to do (or not to do) for those who are hurting or a suffering a crisis:

10. Listen without comment. Just let me feel my feelings. Don't get bent out of shape if I am mad and a cuss word slips out. Get over it. I am not perfect, never was, and don't intend to start now when I am having a dark time in my life. My humanity is showing and I don't need a lecture from you. Just pray that my anger will give way to forgiveness, my pain will be replaced with peace and that I can have a few minutes of clarity as my life falls completely apart.

9. Pray for me at home. Don't just say you are going to pray for me, do it. If you will, the Spirit will comfort me and let me know that my brothers and sisters who love me are lifting me up before the Father. Just ask the Comforter to draw me in, the Counselor to give me wisdom, and ask the Father for love and peace to surround me during this dark time. Honestly, what more can you do?

8. If I respond badly to you, it might be that I am having a worse day than you. My frustration with you is probably not about you. You just happened to be the last in a series of events and people which reminded me, once again, that I am not in control of my life...and sometimes that fact makes me angry. Please don't write me off because I respond badly. If you are my friend, give me some time (but not too much time) and come back to me.

7. Just tell me you love me and move on. If I need more from you, I will talk to you. Keep me in your prayers at home. I can't handle much more than that at this time. Sometimes just being around people in church, crowds, public is overwhelming. Give me space to heal in my own way, in my own time, with the people I choose.

6. If you found out about my issues through gossip (gossip is talking about another person who is not standing there, engaged in the conversation), tell the person who told you that they are spreading gossip and ask them to stop. Tell them, "Whatever is going on in so-and so's life must be very hard to handle. You might want to handle the information in the same way you would want others to handle information about you if the most humiliating and painful experiences of your life were revealed." Anyway, don't call me and ask if the rumors are true. I already have enough on my plate. And...please don't talk about me and what I say to you to anyone else. Keep what I say to you confidential.

5. Help me to cope by giving me physical and emotional support. Ask me if I need anything and be willing to help me. Just pay this month's mortgage without telling me. Help me out where you know I might need help. Fill up my tank or change the oil in my car. Pay for a month of therapy. Leave $200 dollars cash in my mailbox with a note that says, "Hope this helps." Don't sign it. Help me get my feet back under me. Send me a note expressing your care and concern for me. If you want, include gift certificates to Sonic, McDonalds, Baskins-Robbins, Applebees or any other food place.

4. I am really not interested in anyone else who had the same surgery and died. I don't need a recap of other people's similar situations. I would rather hear silence from you more than I want to hear about your sister-in-law's friend's next door neighbor. Just knowing you are nearby is comfort enough, you don't have to talk. I have lost my social bearing and don't know what to say most of the time, or feel awkward around people. If you get that sense from me, keep it short and sweet. Also, stop others midsentence if they are saying insensitive or idiotic things.

3. Please don't get into a theological discussion about why bad things happen to good people. I am not able to think about much more than, "Should I eat Cheerios or Raisin Bran?" I may be having problems deciding whether or not "three days without getting out of bed is depression or just grieving." If I put on pants today, I am doing phenomenal. Praise God if I showered and am able to do the basics right now. If you think I am being punished by God because of my lack of faith, please don't say those words out loud...I don't need guilt on top of my grief.

2. Show up midweek just to support me or to go out and eat lunch. Sometimes, treat me like nothing happened and this is a normal day, like before I lost everything. Let's pretend like its not happening for two hours and just catch a game, go fishing, or catch a movie. Be prepared to leave early if I can't handle it.

1. Grieving takes time. It may be a year (or two) before any sense of normalcy returns in my life. If you are my friend, be patient with me if I digress for a time. Pray for me in rough times and give me space to heal and grow. Be there for my family as well, help my spouse and children to cope by doing with them what you are doing with me.

I hope these help you respond to others in times of crisis. Can you think of others I have neglected to mention or that have helped you during a time of crisis?

Do we have to change?

One of my professors at Abilene Christian University had a saying: "If you always do what you have always done, you'll always get what you have always gotten." A similar statement is familiar to those in AA: "Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity." Both statements address the necessity of change in our lives.

Most of us wait for a life crisis to make changes in our lives. Cancer, heart attack, job loss, financial problems, separation/divorce, death of a family member, or feeling dead inside are all great excuses for changing the way we do life. We just aren't motivated to change our diet until we step on the scale and see 240 lbs or we find out we have diabetes. Eeeekkk!!! Then Katie bar the door...we are ready to do something about it.

Perhaps the same is true about our spiritual life. As long as everything is "fine," we can't even see a need to change. When we come to some spiritual crisis crossroads, where the old just won't work anymore, we are left to find a new path. We call this spiritual growth.

It happened to me seventeen years ago when my oldest child was born without most of his brain and multiple physical and mental disabilities. He didn't fit in my 'plan' and I was forced to adjust my plan. Shallowness became intolerable as I searched for a new way of relating. It couldn't settle for "church as usual" and had to change how much I was willing to give of myself into my spiritual well-being. I could no longer be a pew sitter (not that I was ever good at that).

I found it hard to relate to the "How's the weather?" crowd because I needed more. It's not that there is anything wrong with shallowness, I just couldn't relate to it anymore. I need people who are going to support me and my wife through really hard times with love, encouragement and depth. It's not easy being my friend because I need a deeper connection just for sanity.

God changed for me, as well. I had to have Him; He was no longer an option. He was/is the breath I breathe and the motive for me to live my life. I had to push all my spiritual chips to the middle of the heavenly poker table and go "all in." God has seen me through many a life crisis with Him being the only tether to sanity I had. My wife and I don't relate to God like the "non-crisis people." The storms of life have only served to deepen us. I look back on the crises and I see how each one lead me into a deeper understanding and dependence on God. There is no other explanation for it. For seventeen years, God's light has shown through Jared's life, a beacon in times of trouble.

Are you facing change? I hope you are. It means God has chosen you to go deeper with Him. Instead of asking the question, "Why me?" ask a different set of questions:
How can I adapt to the changing world around me?
How can I depend on God for strength and courage?
How can I submit to God's will during this trial?
Father, what do you want me to do next?
Father, how can I use this situation for your glory?