Forgiveness...Losing "The List"

A friend of mine was talking to me about his marriage. He was saying that when he messes up, his wife can remember everything, big and small, that he has done wrong. When arguing with her, he says it is like he has a single shot 22 with a cartridge hung in the chamber and she has an UZI and all the ammo she can fire. Ouch.

This got me thinking about "The List." "The List" is an accounting of everything another person has done to hurt you. Even though you have "forgiven" them, you keep "The List" handy, to pulll out and recite the 13, 094 things the other person has done to hurt, betray, and dissappoint you. "The List" takes hurt and morphs it into bitterness. Holding onto the memory of that stuff undermines trust, hope and love and makes one miserable and lonely. It causes tension and frustration in relationships. It makes victims and offenders, good guys and bad guys, right and wrong. We need to lose "The List."

Do you want others to do that to you....keep track of every infraction and throw it out there during a 'discussion?' Wouldn't that be horrible? Is that what you want God to do with you, keep track of all the things you have done to sin against Him? God says you will be forgiven as you have forgiven others....that includes "The List."

Do you have a "List?" If you do, I think you should actually create "The List." Don't just make a mental exercise but write "The List" out. Look at it. Remind yourself of it until you get sick of it. Then really forgive what is on "The List" and move on. It's is the loving thing to do.

Forgive Me

Forgiveness is vital to us as Christians. Why? Because people are going to let us down. People (even those who we love and consider friends) do and say things that hurt, sometimes very deeply. Those around whom we trusted break that trust like a crystal vase and people we thought were a rock turned out to be sinking sand. People can be unfair, mean, oafish and crude, each of these things hurt us. And sometimes people are callous and cruel because they themselves were hurt. And when people do hurtful things, we can either forgive or grow angry, bitter, and cynical.

The world is not fair. The world is a fallen place. And the Spirit cannot dwell in one who harbors unforgiveness, no matter how justified it feels or how severely one was hurt...unforgiveness closes the door to the presence of God.

Forgiveness takes time and effort. When the time is right, it is a spiritual tool we can use to give the world (and ourselves) hope and peace. Forgiveness sows the seeds that the world can be better a place. It is the first step toward regaining the only personal control you have in this fallen world...and that is the power of allowing God to handle it for you. God sees each and every human being as a part of a fallen and sinful world. Christians and non-Christians alike sin against each other because we have all been affected by the fallen world.

We all sin against people and people sin against us. Lying, cheating, gossiping, cutting us off in traffic, treating us disrespectfully, making fun of us, stealing from us, taking advantage of each other, manipulating and breaking promises are just a few reason why Jesus died for us, so we could live in freedom and love. He died so we could forgive each other.

Forgiveness is the wildflower that stubbornly pushes through the crack in the road. It blooms where it shouldn't but gives hope to all. When we forgive, the pain and disappointment becomes...better. It gives God's hope to the offender and gives God's comfort to the offended. Both can move on. Both can enjoy relationship with God again, even if the offense means the relationship between two people must be severed....But hope can thrive. Forgiveness is like a thousand doves being released, flying in random directions, affecting all whom it touches.

I wish I could express the regret in my heart for those I have hurt. From the kids I thoughtlessly made fun of in middle school to those I sinned against yesterday. Sorry seems so flimsy, so trite that it doesn't express the spiritual realities that underlie it all. So please forgive me. Please allow the love of God to again bloom in your heart....and mine. Forgive me so neither of us has to carry the burden of our sin anymore. Forgive me so I can, in turn, forgive those around me, passing the blessing forward so true healing can begin in our fallen world. It all begins with "I forgive you for...."

How to say "Sorry," and mean it

"I'm sorry." Two very simple words that require no pride to utter successfully. Asking for forgiveness is about as difficult as granting forgiveness.

I wish I could be blameless, but I am not. I, like almost everyone, have hurt people that I care deeply for, have said things that were monumentally insensitive, stupid, occasionally mean, and have acted in ways that left pain and hurt in my wake. I have tried to get attention at others' expense and I end up feeling pretty lousy about myself. I wish their was a human 'reset' button that we could push and have a do-over. I wish I could blame others, my ADHD, my upbringing, painful life experiences, solar flares, or global warming but I can't. I have to take responsibility for my mistakes and admit that I have willfully hurt others. I am truly sorry for my actions. Ever been there yourself?

I have talked to so many people in the same boat. They feel stuck in a relationship because of something they said or did. Now, the cat is out of the bag....it is much easier to let the cat out of the bag than it is to get back it into the bag. Shame and guilt have caused many a good man or woman to stew in their own juices because they feel really bad about what happened...and can't move on. One must swallow their pride to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Saying, "I'm sorry" is a spiritual discipline.

Here are five things to do to say "I'm sorry" and mean it:

1. Ask God to give you a full understanding of the wrong you have done. "Jesus is Lord. Father show me how I have wronged xxxxxxxxxxxxxx. In your infinite mercy, help me to feel the true impact of my wrongs."

2. Make a list of your sin. Whether by accident or if it was intentional, make a full accounting of your wrongs. Write it down. Take full responsibility of your feelings, actions, and consequences. Pray for the person you hurt. "Father, comfort them. Heal the pain that I have caused and allow them to move beyond what I did."

3. If possible, talk to the person. Take responsibility for all your actions. Allow your emotions to show.

4. Ask for forgiveness. God says to ask. Leave it at that. Let the person you hurt think about it and do what they want. Let the healing work of God surround them. It takes time to work through the process. Just do your part. Continue to pray for them.

5. Forgive yourself. Move on yourself. If possible and appropriate, offer restitution. Resolve to do things differently. Ask for forgiveness for yourself of God.

To err is human. To humble yourself and work through is of God.

What are your experiences with, "I'm sorry?"